naufrago y misericordia

Hoy siento como un naufrago, ahogando en un mar de espanol que no entiendo, un mar de concreto gris y cielo mas gris, un mar de gente que no reconozco con cigarillos y hielo.
Today I fell like a castaway, drowning in a sea of spnaish i don't understand, a sea of grey concrete and greyer skies, a sea of people i don't recognize with cigarettes and ice.

just kidding, it's not really that bad, i just felt like being melo-dramatic and i really like the word for castaway/ship-wrecked person - "naufrago" - and wanted an excuse to use it.
the past few days have been frustrating though.
this morning i had spanish literature for the second time and by the end of the hour and 20 minute period, i wanted to cry. or at least let my head explode. i'm not really sure why i was so frustrated. i followed the notes about the problems of categorizing literature, that trying to make it all fit into a neat timeline with names like "neoclasicismo" and "pre-romanticismo" isn't really effective or accurate. yeah i missed some word here and there, and there was some pretty intense zoning out, but i got the gist. but then we started talking about the novela we're going to read and had to read this prologue off the projector which i of course didn't read fast enough to keep up. and then another was assigned, but i'm not really sure what book we're even starting or how to find this other prologue. and there's no textbook, you just have to already know the system of libraries, photocopying, and the internet; none of which i understand in the least, even in english.
after calss i did the only things i could think of to make me feel less pitiful: called catie and told her to find me and give me hug before her class, opened the dark chocolate bar with orange flavor that i bought yesterday to have change for the bus, and opened my bible. i turned to the last page of 2 Corinthians which, i noticed the other day, is all in black type except for one line. cahpter 9, verse 12 says: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
thanks, god.
i have been increasing in weakness the past few days. little by little. missing people, dwelling on worries, stressing about things that aren't really mine to carry, and now this frustration over such a silly thing as not understanding instructions in class. but then i realized why i was so upset by it. i think it was a blow to my ego that i couldnt just understand everything, not to mention a blow to the facade of control over my life i've been trying to create.

no, molly, you don't know what you're supposed to be doing in class and it's ok.
no, molly, you're not as good at Spanish as you thought or you want to be and it's ok.
yes, molly, you are scared of making friends and talking about me, but it's ok.
yes, molly, you miss him and don't know what's going to happen, but it's ok.
no, molly, you don't have control of your life and it's ok. because I do. and I will teach you how to listen to me.

so even in this crazy sea of concrete and foregin frustrations, there is still chocolate, best friend hugs, and messages of "misericordia"(compassion) from god. even my favorite fairy flowers grow here in the middle of the city, like little winged beacons of hope for when i forget the magic.

Things I've learned
* sometimes when a hangout is supposed to be 4 or 5 people it turns out to be 20 gringas(white girls) piling into an already ful micro(mini-bus) to go to a jazz club...this happened last night. we took over everything, like a big obnoxious cloud of gringa. catie and i ended up separating from the heard and sitting with some chileans after a while, though.
* "padrinos" are very strong
* i am chartreuse, deep purple and a little orangey red. a few days ago, inspired by something from that book The Shack, i was musing about what color i am. i posted the question as my facebook profile, and then proceeded to think about how much i love chartreuse, purple and red together. then throughout the day, that's what other people told me i am. really random people too. an old friend from high school, an old bible study leader/mentor, and a new american friend i've made here added the part about the color of an ember...thanks god.
anyway, i then decided to christen my new paints and canvases by creating this:

so the colors aren't really right, but i'm not well versed in color theory and therefore do not actually know how to make chartruese... but use your imagination. also, use your imagination to picture me sitting in the garden outside catie's apartment complex here, eating Kuchen and laughing so hard i couldn't breath WHILE painting this. it was a good time.
* i really like doors. i've actually started collecting them. well, photographing them at least.
* even my host sister gets frustrated and shakes her head and says in an exasperated tone similar to my own, "chile!" while shaking her fist at the nation as a whole...

until next time, my dears!
ciao!