hey look! it's brown now!

so I am about to do a very dangerous thing that could turn out to be really good or really unfortunate. I am starting a post with no purpose or subject in mind...i just fell the need to post something since it's been a real long time. and i want to show off the new layout and colors! hee hee!
ok. so. I've been living in Chile for about 5 months. I've got about 1 month left.
weird.
I've been dating a lovely boy back home basically as long as I've been here, which i realize some of you might not have known...
weird.
I will have graduated this time next year.
weird.

I've kindof started the whole looking-back-on-the-journey thing, which is fun. and weird.

i'm very much in the process of picking apart what i believe, examining things i always just accepted as truth, questioning, doubting, tearing down, rebuilding and other such growth gerunds.

i've realized that it's good to question the church, but total and complete disillusionment is not good; that just because I don't agree with some things about the church/organized religion doesn't mean it's bad as a whole or condemned to only lie and bring harm. it's time to come back to the church, to accept it for the imperfect entity that it is and work/pray to make the the perfect entity it can be in Christ.

I have a much broader idea of what it means to pray, to worship, to experience God, to BE with him, of salvation. I have had times of intense communion with the father, where every breath was a prayer and every event was a direct action from his hand. i've had times where i was so lacking in any spiritual motivation or hope or joy that i didn't want to get out of bed and just reading the news headlines made me want to straight up leave this world. i've had sweet, brisk, cool breezes of clarity where for a brief moment everything made sense and foggy, ugly hazes of doubt that encompassed everything so that i could barely function in any capacity.

I went though a time of hating everything about myself and the way i experience life and God. all i wanted was to see God the way Catie does or see life the way so and so does. i was comparing myself constantly and basing all of my worth in other imperfect humans. it was awful.

but little by little, through the breaking of my spirit and the cleansing of unbelief from inside of me and rediscovery of joy and the blessed Holy Spirit that lives inside me, God lead me out of that. he showed me my sins of idolatry and pride, and reminded me that I am new and clean and forgiven in him, that those sins are no longer a part of me but Satan tricks me into thinking they are ingrained in me by showing me a warped image of myself in a faulty mirror. so i am slowly letting go if the idea that i am defined by my tendency to idolize people and relationships(and other sins) and finding my identity as a saint, guiltless and free with the liberty of Christ.

I've also picked up on the fact that there is a time to be ok with wondering and never knowing, and there is a time to actively seek answers. and i've been in wondering and stay on the fence stage for too long. time to dig in, pray, read, ask, think, listen. listen. that's a big one. just shuttup and listen to what the Lord is telling me. how he speaks to me though scripture, music, nature, church, friends...through life.

if you also happen to be a reader of Catie's blog, you may notice that our revelations and even some growth patterns seem to be very parallel...that's because they are. God totally gave us to each other to grow with, to experience life with. it's quite ridiculous really. plus we sat in a coffee shop last(while she drank a coffee called "amor perfecto" and i drank something called "romance" which involved hearts made out of raspberry syrup in the foam on top - awesome) taking about our souls and asking questions and such.



so there's a big fat soul update...sweet.

LOVELOVELOVE from the frigid southern hemisphere. any warm cozy thoughts and vibes are greatly appreciated. as are warm fuzzy comments.